To the kid who asked my daughter for her telephone number

My oldest turns 12 this week. I'm on the verge of teenage-level drama and generally, all the things that come with my baby girl becoming a young woman. Part of that process is dating. Of course, this won't be allowed until she's 40 and whether or not the poor guy can get past me and my guard dogs. 

Look, I know this is going to happen. I know a lot of other things are going to happen too. I won't stop it because I can't stop it. Regardless of my paternal instincts to protect her, there are things that will happen in her life that I won't be able to control or influence. Shit, as they say, will happen. 

The first episode in this brutal transition of growing up happened recently and I haven't had the stomach to post about it yet. 

What was the incident you ask? Some kid ask for my oldest's telephone number. I shit my pants. Since then, I've been thinking about this young kid and all the guys who come after him. This is going to be a disaster and I'm dreading it. But, before the situation makes me throw up on myself, I wanted to take the time to give this young man (and every other dude that tries to win her hand moving forward), a list of things that he/they have to consider and remember:

• My daughter is a princess, and she will always be a princess. 
• See number one because if you don't treat her like a princess, you'll meet the Grim Reaper.
• She's very smart and might be even smarter than you. So, if that means she wants to work, bring home the bacon, while you stay at home and watch the kids, that's what will happen.
• My daughter is going to something extraordinary with her life that'll positively impact others. You may just be along for the ride and you'll be just fine with that.  
• She's inquisitive, tenacious, smart, crafty and funny like her mother. 
• She's just like me too...so when the water boils, watch out (her mother's water boils quicker, fyi).
• She's super sensitive so if you break her heart, you'll be breaking the hearts of her mother, sister and father. Together, we're a pack of wolves who haven't eaten in years. You've been warned.
• She has a certain way of knowing people, what they are about and whether or not they are kind. If she ignores you, that's why. Your best bet is to move on. Trust me.
• She loves a good laugh, so if you don't make her laugh, you're not going to cut it.
• Her mother can cook, so can her father (sort of)...so you better not expect her to cook for you all the time. Learn to do so.
• She'll want to be with a guy who has family values and emulates the relationship her mother and father have, because, you know, we are awesome.
• Finally, re-read this, read it again and read it one more time. Once you think you've got her figured out, read this again. 

My baby girl deserves the best and if you aren't even up to par, you're not good enough. I won't have to tell you that because she will. If she doesn't, you bet your ass her mother will. 

And oh, I'll be in the background, arms folded, just waiting...telling you to read this post.