Things needed to be invented to help dads

One of the cool things I love about Evernote is that I can store all types of info in it, especially stuff I can't remember. I've had this running list going of things that should be invented to help us dads and in most cases, it's helping us either get out of own way or simply get a clue. 

Here's my list so far:

Mattresses should have side air bags, but instead of fluffy pillows crashing out at you, there should be sheets and blankets. Why is this needed? Well, we Dads know that our significant others demand the sheets, which need to be snuggled with; the dog needs his/her space; and, if you have young kids, they need their space in your bed as well. Where does that leave you? On the edge, with no blankets. Luckily, I'm ok in this department as I've learn to adjust my strategy over the years. I can't wrestle the blankets away from my wife. She's mastered the cocoon wrap. It's impenetrable.  

I've stopped fighting trying to keep Daisy off the bed. The nearly 100 pound white German Shepherd has mastered the spot in between my wife and I at the end of the bed. When she stretches, we know because he paws are in our ass. When she's ready to wake up, we know because she's giving us a bath. When she's not ready to go to bed and wants to play, we know because she's trying to nibble at me. When she really wants space or wants me to get up, she'll lay on me. It's not comfortable. Trust me.

Can I get Dad-only TV? In a female dominated house, I'm the minority, which means sports viewing is at a minimum. Now, don't get me wrong, I get my work-release moments, but I'm constantly giving up the remote. That's ok. With cable companies streaming all content on devices, I'm all set really. I don't have a mantown yet (working on that, sort of), but when I do, I'm sure that'll be dominated by the kids. Again, I'm fine with that. I like watching The Voice. :)

I need to have more patience with my kids. My wife, god bless her, has all the patience in the world and deals with the kids fighting all the time. I need a page out of her playbook. I go from zero to 60 in a hot second. Good thing, our kids don't battle often. When they do, though, it's MMA time, with my wife often being the ref. When she steps in, it's over. There's no question. When I step in, the kids look at me like I'm a rent-a-cop. Can I get patience in a bottle?

I love craft beer, but it's killing my waistline. Can I just get some hoppy double IPAs that have zero calories? Seriously, I need to be around for my kids for another 50 years or so and the dieting thing sucks. I need a diet craft beer that doesn't taste like diet craft beer. And oh, I need a magic pill that helps me shed 50 pounds and keeps it off...that's preferably in liquid form and is a beer. Feel me on that?

When the heck is someone going to create a virtual digital billboard that tells you what's on the minds of your wife and kids? Again, as the only guy in the house, I'm learning how beautifully complex my girls are. I do stupid shit all the time, but they put up with it. I say the wrong things all the time, but they deal with it. I often ask, "What's wrong?" when I know I won't get an answer (mostly because it's me or because it's a situation I can't handle). I want to fix things that are broken, but can't do so unless I know what's wrong. Hard for me to do that when I don't have a clue. So inventors, get on that shit, will ya? Help us clueless Dads out. Stat.  

I knew that once we got a dog, I'd be on shit pick-up patrol. I just wish I had some minions to help pick it up. My wife helps from time to time and so doesn't my oldest. I don't expect them to do it at all, since the backyard is my domain and I do the upkeep. So, it's my job. I know. I do it. I hate it. It's gross. I have a method to get it all picked up quickly without gagging or throwing up. It's easier in the winter when the shit is frozen like a snickers bar that's been in the fridge for 10 years. During the steamy, swampy, summer nights, however, being Captain Dog Shit Scooper has its draw backs. I just want dog shit fairies to appear during the evening and do a clean sweep each night. That too hard to ask?   

That's it for now. Sure I'll have additional inventions that we Dads will need to get a clue. Any suggestions come to mind?